Do we need to bring girly friendships back?
In My Brilliant Friend, a series based on the successful novel by Italian author Elena Ferrante, there is a scene that reminded me of a form of friendship I miss. Even though the whole series centers around friendship, I feel in this scene the depth of teenage friendship is revealed. In the episode of Lila's wedding, there's a conflict between her and her fiancé, brother, and father. No one seems to get through to her, she is shutting off communication with all of them. Her mother is desperate, and in the midst of disarray she rushes over to find her last solution for the whims of her daughter: Lila's best friend Lenù. She turns out to be the only one Lila will speak to and who gets through to her and saves the wedding day. A day that in a way marks the end of the friendship as it always was.
Family life overshadows sisterhood
This scene made me nostalgic for the times when my best friend was the closest and, more importantly, the safest relation I had. My first pick to call, to feel seen or heard used to be my best friend, but after marrying and having kids, my friends mostly get the updates after the fact, as do I in their lives. Apparently, I'm not alone in this shift. In this New Yorker essay, the writer suggests that making friends is harder because the importance of relationships shifts as you get older. Spouses fill in the role of best friend and sounding board, often because they are simply everywhere you are. It isn't a conscious decision, it is just how it goes for most. One day you have sleepovers at your friend's house, take baths together, ask them to look at a funny-looking spot around your private parts to check if you should take it to the doctor, and then all of a sudden someone else steps in and takes their place. Why would you call your friend to tell them of something small that happened in the workplace when there is a perfectly adequate loved one sitting across from you at the dinner table?
My Brilliant Friend brilliantly shows the strength of sisterhood (a buzzword I hate, but needed for its context) before marriage and the position friendship is degraded to after starting a family. Even though the portrayed friendship between Lila and Lénu is complex, competitive and full of envy and insecurity between the two women, their love and connection persevere. The main focus is the importance of this relation to the development of both women.
Friendship deserves time to be messy and real, thereby meaningful
This sentiment that the development of identity and friendship are intertwined, matches Laurie's monologue in HBO’s The White Lotus. While Jaclyn and Kate snobbishly look back on this perfect holiday and their perfect happy lives, dismissing all the passive aggressiveness and backstabbing ‘mean girl vibes’ that their girl trip was actually soaked in, Laurie spoke on the significance of their long-lasting friendship in her final monologue:
"I don't need religion or god to give my life meaning, because time gives it meaning. We started this life together, I mean we are going through it apart, but we're still together, and I look at you guys and it feels meaningful. And I can't explain it, but even when we are just sitting around the pool talking about whatever inane shit, it still feels very fucking deep."
What she says feels true, because close friendship, like every real and worthwhile relationship, is messy and meaningful. Well, because humans are complex and full of contradictions and ambivalence and the more intimate you get with someone, the more intimate you get with their flaws too. But with our children, parents, or life partners we figure it is simply part of the deal and worth the effort. As for friendship I think we don't always hold it to the same standard as those fundamental relations in our lives, but maybe we should.
Our inability to cater to our friendships as we do to our more dominant relationships, comes not only from our own unwillingness or lack of devotion to tend to our friendships. It’s been this way in our culture, from traditional patriarchy to modern demands of daily life causing practical immobility to schedule quality time.
In My Brilliant Friend we see how traditional demands influenced friendships. After her marriage, Lila is completely shut off from her old social life (of course, this also needs to be seen in the cultural context of the early sixties) but even today, adulthood and definitely having kids takes away time to invest in friendships, as its shown with that, long overdue, girls trip in The White Lotus. It’s like that one meme says: "Adult friendship is always saying we need to hang out and suddenly a year has gone by."
Maybe this is why couples or playground parents start befriending each other? Or why you end up going to the movies with your colleagues instead of your college or childhood friends, and why the partner of your friend knows more about you than you would've told them yourself. Simply because it is easier to make plans or swing by on a whim. How our old school friendships used to be, but do we really want to choose the easiness of logistics over layered and complex bonds? Sometimes new, more practical connections naturally grow into meaningful friendships. Yet the sentiment that made me nostalgic was the representation of teenage friendship in My Brilliant Friend . The idea of this unique and rich bond between two people and the promise and possibility to grow so close together it feels like you've become family, ergo sisters(hood). And how the longevity of the bond makes it all the more worthwhile.
Connection over practical comfort
My opinion is backed by science. In a study on how to live a happy and healthy life, intimate and close connections are proven to be essential for our overall health. Science says that after a friendly meet-cute it takes several hours to turn it into a friendship. For adults it takes 94 hours to turn acquaintances into casual friends, another 164 hours to turn into friends and on average you need an additional 219 hours to turn that friend into a best friend. But it takes more that just sitting around together, discussing things that matter like catching up about their lives, talking playfully, having serious conversations, and showing love, attention, and affection are key to building a connection. The students in the study that sticked to small talk about current events, pets, sports, movies, or music—actually tended to become more distant over time.
Anyone with a life filled with responsibilities knows this is far to time consuming in multiple ways. Yet, the importance of those intimate bonds is evident. Dare I ask, do we need to bring the good old girly friendships back? The way that the childhood friends in The White Lotus tried to revamp their unfortunate and toxic friendship. I would love too, minus the toxicity anyway. A while ago I had a sleepover at my friends house and it was like the old days. We chatted about everything big and small while brushing our teeth and kept talking until our eyes just shut down from tiredness. I realized this relation holds so much love, trust and familiarity, it actually deserves more time and attention than it is getting. But how could you make time to water friendship, when you have work, kids, after school activities, a love life to keep alive? Is there even time left to weave a friendship in and around the everyday hussle? I see that my single friends still have bond with their friends and my friendships with my single friends is way more intimate and consistent, than with those with a partner, because sleeping over at your married friends house feels like you’re third wheeling, unless you move to the guest room with your friend and leave their partner behind in the master bedroom, but that would be silly, wouldn’t it?
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
- Anais Nin
Let’s start with a soft-lit dinner to talk about it
With Dialogue at the Table I feel that old school 'teenagers at an afterparty' vibe, minus the intoxication and add a little maturity and know-how in life. Everyone at the table shares the intention to connect to fresh faces by listening to others and sharing. The topics are discussed in all honesty, and after mere minutes the atmosphere feels intimate, cosy and giggly.
Think back to the talks you had at the (camp) sleepover, or at the end of a night out, when the party group decided to finish at someone's kitchen table instead of immediately cycling home. Those soft after-hours conversations ignite philosophical debates and existential thoughts. These table talks give us a glimpse of the connection that emerges when we skip pleasantries and small-talk, diving right into the good and dewy stuff.
The upcoming Dialogue at the Table will center around friendships and all its complexities and meaning. I love the idea of rekindling deeper connections with my childhood friends, especially when you are already settled with family responsibilities. But is that even possible? There is no rulebook for friendship after having a family of your own. For love, we have ideal images portrayed in film and music, while friendship is more of an afterthought, almost always shown from a stable perspective as if everyone has that part figured out.
What do you think of this topic? What role does friendship play in your life and do you find the time to really water these relations? Have your social connections degraded to quick catch-ups over coffee? Or merely a meme-sharing relationship, or do you make an effort to call or otherwise check in regularly? Have you felt left behind in friendship because you and your friends steered into different phases in life?
I feel it's time to dive into this theme and find out where the conversations will take us. Interested in joining this conversation? I would love to have you over. Send me an email or DM on Instagram for more information on this Dialogue at the Table.
Love always,
Daphny